What have you done...!

‘What have you done?’ she asked as he stood bent on his knees like asking for forgiveness.

She looked more beautiful to the morning Sun while some clouds moved faster than usual making her glow and fade in split seconds. The lake was standstill, the flowers stood high and huge leaves hosted dew drops indicating early morning showers. He felt like drinking from them to kill his thirst, but she had stopped him.

‘What have you done?’ she repeated knowing he had no answer. It was a cool morning in the hot month of April. Yet, he was sweating. He deliberately walked to the lake to enjoy the cool breeze least expecting her threat. She looked angrily at him once again and the breeze died.

The mountain behind had given way for some beautiful flowers to blossom and it was on its head the Sun stood hanging, acting like a golden crown. He carefully watched the Sun and smiled at the shining water on the lake. They all had a relation with each other. They were related like the members of a family. They worked together, for each other and in unison.

‘What have you done?’ she reiterated with anger suggesting havoc in the waiting.

‘I can’t take you anymore. I have had enough!’ she cried. He was composing his thoughts and said nothing. His bent head accepted guilt and tears filled eyes moved away from hers. ‘You can’t face me anymore!’ she screamed.

He was slowly moving his hands on the green grass below, touching each of them. He ran towards the banyan and held it tight and prayed. To the fragrance of the flower he gently smiled. She was not to be calmed. He ran into the lake and tried to drown but failed. She laughed heavily at his attempt. He climbed up the mountain just to fall back again on to her. He didn’t give up and pledged to climb to the top but kept failing and falling down. She watched it all until he was hurt.

‘I don’t have an answer. I don’t know…’ he cried like an infant. She had tears in her eyes. It was slowly drizzling by then. Clouds had got thicker. It was impossible to climb any further on the wet mountain and he had finally given up and fallen down.

‘I just want to hug you tight. Don’t hate me for what I have done. Take me in your arms and love me the way you always did ever since I was born. I bear the grudge on their behalf. Forgive them, they are your children.’

‘I can’t forgive you or anyone. This is the end. No hints or indications have worked on you. You’re incurable. Find yourself another place.’

She started closing down, swallowing up everything. All trees got eaten, the mountain got sucked up while the lake spilled and flowers withered. He saw everything under him sinking. For one last time, he saw her and begged for mercy. ‘Pardon me, mother’ and closed his eyes.

‘A mother will teach you the same lesson until you've completely learnt. If you fail, I’ll come again. Don’t ask me, ask yourself, what have you done?’

Good Night...!

It was a long day and involved quite a lot of junk intake making me guilty of having my dinner when I got back home fortunately on time. I wasn’t used to jogging on the road during nights in all these years, maybe I only enjoyed getting up and running looking at the emerging Sun as the day too emerged and looked new as against a dull night when energy levels were much lower. Today however, I had to work out before my body would be further fed with any more food and I took up the task. ‘I’ll be back in 30mins’ I exclaimed, not really sure if I was going to complete the whole journey of 3.5 - 4Km that I often do in the mornings.

As I stepped out, it was windy, mute and pleasant evening and jogging was kind of just a sailing on the legs. I stuck to the regular route to the nature park knowing that there would still be light poles inside. Once I enter this nature park, whenever it is, I feel a strange welcome that tells me I’m a prince entering a wonderland, a special habitat that was waiting to see me. It’s been nearly 4 years since I first saw this park and the more I drooped away from here the more I missed it. I was only glad I made the decision of once again renting a flat in this locality after a hiatus of 2 years! Unlike those earlier entries when the park shined gloriously under the Sunlight, now it looked dark and haunting under the moon, but welcoming nevertheless. I got inside and stared all those trees and branches, those specially tailored leaves, leafy paths, flow of water on the way and warmth. There were remote noises of some vehicles outside that couldn’t make it to the deeper areas of the park.

It all looked black in the distance and dark green nearby. They stood silent, unmoved and no wind blew. I saw clear sky when I had started which had now given way for some floating dark clouds that I disliked. As I got further deep into the park, into an area that’s more thick and dense, closed by tall trees and scary branches there were sounds of nocturnal insects presenting a scene right out of a horror movie. And like no horror movie got me scared ever, the park would be the last thing to do so I thought with a smile and sped through it to reach an area where I often took a break. I stretch and perform some regular exercises then rest on the wooden bench for a slight meditation.

I utter or hear the word ‘Om’, I don’t know if it’s because I’m religious. It doesn’t even matter. I say ‘Om’ once again as long as it pleases and soothes. I see a lady somewhere up there in the middle of those trees sitting on a rock with a little river flowing by her side and a peacock on her back as she’s holding a sitar and playing it to my hymns of ‘Om’. There’s also a sea in the background with Sun rising behind her making it all look orange and yellow. She slowly plucks the strings and plays softly, mildly and soothingly to the hymns. I see that she’s smiling at me like always and then she tells me, ‘Son, I’m here. Don’t worry’. However, I can’t see her clearly in the dark night and I can’t concentrate enough to meditate well and I don’t try hard either. Let me not go into any kind of trance, I like this present. I open my eyes and look at my surroundings and breathe the fresh air, love the muteness and enjoy its deserted feel.

My stretching exercises are done and I once again get on to running. I pass through the park which is more of a jungle now and take my route back on a different path. As I run, I don’t stay quiet and calm. I speak out, I don’t just smell the fragrance but drink it, absorb it and I scream at the skies with innumerable questions. Once my friend asked me, ‘what do you think when you’re running?’ and I thought it was an easy question until I started to dwell into it further. I’m thinking when I’m running, I told him. But it wasn’t a great answer. What do you think, he would probe further. But there’s no one answer to it or a fixed pattern of thoughts that happen when I’m running. It’s a flow of unending series of questions that I throw UP to someone who’s patiently listening or so I insist. I run further and questions grow in numbers and this game is played until almost I’m at the end of the park where the road is laid. Just when I’m about to arrive, I see some bright reflection on the top UP there that says something incomprehensible to me and discloses something that has all the answers to all questions I had asked for the day. The image covers its face with this little thing and it becomes clear to my eyes at that point and I know what it was showing me – a mirror!

I read all the answers that I asked for and only I understand. It’s not for anyone else but just for me and mine. By then, I’m out of the park, on the road and without signaling I wave at the image which must be somewhere inside and would show up when I’m here next time. I wave with content and a smile and thank the image and also thank myself for having made this decision of coming over to this heavenly place.

I’m back on the road to my house having burnt some unwanted calories and having gained some really wanted cleansing for my soul. While I get near to my house, the mosque stands lit under the same moon and I utter a little ‘salam’ coz that’s all I know. He must understand it and it shouldn’t matter I tell myself and open the gate of the apartment.

My breathing is normal and I’ve returned to my mundane routine, but only after bathing my inner ‘self’! Good Night world!

Am I...?

Am I different, Am I same!

Am I special or just ordinary n lame!

Am I a gift or unwanted n rotten!

Am I what I know or Am I being written!
Am I real or illusion, forged or forgotten?

Am I what they want me to be or what they thought I am?

Am I just none of anyone, yet a little bit of everyone?

Am I sent or thrown, bought or on my own!

Am I the one which mirror had shown?

Am I what my name is or my deed, what I’ve read or understood and craved for indeed!

Am I something beyond everything, evolving, growing and ageing back and forth!

Why do I wonder what I am when I’ve met many like me and many unlike me!

Why do I wander looking for everything else other than my-self?

Am I just a wanderer wondering, looking for what I am, what am I?

Am I?

WANDERERS - XXII

They got further involved in their own world of thoughts and said nothing to each other for long time, yet sat at the same place facing one another. It was a special day on the local calendar, an auspicious occasion to the people of the town. One by one, people were coming into the cave-house temple with flowers and other stuffs to offer their prayers to the god that was placed at the temple before the entrance to the cave which the wanderer had completely ignored and was least interested even on his first visit.

He was watching them come over to the idol, decorate it with colorful stuffs and pray out loud. He looked seriously before falling into a big laughter. The sanyasin looked on and without being upset at his behavior,

‘You think these people are foolish to perform their offerings and prayers to the god?’ she asked calmly, hiding her annoyance.

‘And you tell me they had to come all the way from wherever they were, whatever they were doing to decorate a stone which is an idol which is a god and say loud prayers? How is it that the idol or god would listen and how does he send his answers back? You seem intelligent, highly intellectual. Why don’t you tell them their gods lie within and they need to clean and decorate their souls, their own selves, not something external?’

‘Let me ask you this. I know you don’t believe in god, nor prayers or worships. Why did you choose to come here and stay in this temple of all the places in this town?’ she asked and without waiting for his reply which she also knew she went on, ‘You knew you’ll find your answers here. Where did that belief come from? Who told you so? You call that your intuition or your self-guided power. You don’t want to call it ‘a call from the god’ because you’re intelligent. They call it a god because they are foolish and I don’t see any difference between the two. Both are here at the same place for same purpose.’

‘Well, that’s not true. I am here because this place looks beautiful from all sides and I love natural habitats around this place. It instills some energy in me. I liked it instantly. There were other places I had tried after starting my journey and before eventually coming down to this place. What got me hooked on was more to do with you than the idol’ he said without inhibitions,

‘Don’t take me wrong, but the conversations I had with you made me stay on, not the place itself. And I know some magic lies in the cave, inside there. Not in this idol or the perceived god.’

‘Yes, you’re right. You’ve answered your own question. They don’t find the presence of that magic in the cave and you don’t find it in the idol. I see it in both places. Like the air is everywhere but not the breeze, the aroma is around but each enjoys different fragrance. You know that too. Then why mock their belief in the magic?’

He had such arguments earlier with friends and colleagues, even with his own folks and had more or less left winning in the end. He simply didn’t find it useful to win over the sanyasin on this. ‘We could continue on this, but some other time’ he changed the topic as more people got into the temple and more prayers were being offered loud enough for them to hardly listen to each other.

By winning an argument you might feel better or proud of proving your point but at the same time you might end up hurting your opponent who loses it and it’s not a good feeling if he or she is too sensitive, which most people are. You’ll win an argument and lose a friend or spoil a relationship. He knew that very well out of his own and others’ experiences and when any debate got to a level where it got personal, he had the knack of averting the subject towards a lighter one and thereby no one would lose or win an argument at the cost of a more important ‘relationship’. The sanyasin wasn’t really that sensitive to feel hurt by a mere argument while he took note of her point which was more sensible than those he had heard before.

Yes, the air is there and the magic is found around us but we see and perceive differently because each of us find it at different places, in different ways. If the rich man had seen through the gadget and doubted the wanderer, he wouldn’t have succeeded in solving the man’s problems. The master of the universe who the wanderer believed existed but refrained from calling him a god has different plans laid out for different people. He’ll make his presence felt in various forms that can be felt by some but not by others. He had to accept different religions, different customs and enormously different creatures he himself created and it was a loop. He created them and they created him in their own ways. But were they right? It couldn’t be proved.

He looked at the sanyasin who was sitting there getting involved in the prayers and offerings that the people were making to their god. She was deeply connected as he noticed and couldn’t be disturbed easily, while he felt no connection, no existence of any god anywhere around the idol, not in the prayers, not in the songs nor in their offerings.

He went inside the cave and felt the strong chilling wind generating like always. He closed his eyes gently and felt relaxed, relieved and connected to the master of universe who he refrained from calling god!

Continues…