How Am I...?

Oh! It’s not gonna go, it’s here to stay
That moment and the series that followed
Like a chilling storm that lasts for a second
Or a volcano that erupts in a flash
It’s gonna haunt me any moment
As long as I’m alive, or cease to exist…

 
I had to give my shoulders to the one that I had climbed once
A film played in my mind, devastated it made
I held that cold hand for long and cried
How am I to say, I’m happy to be on your last journey!
I walked to the grave to leave him alone
How am I to come back forever?
And say that I’m never gonna look back and bid goodbye
I had to see what I dared not ever
That moment when it ended, all was over
The form had changed and I held in my hand
A handful of ashes and I had to withstand
I limped with heavy heart and let it flow down the river
A life that had always made me clever
How am I to comprehend what it was all?
It doesn’t go and ought not to
It’ll stay and come again anytime to remind
That there’s no more a hand that once strived for my food
Or the sweat that never cared, for it had a reason
Or the blood that would bleed to make sure I lived
While it’s not here anymore, it comes back in forms unknown
Makes me shiver and blown
I had to go on and continue, take it all alone
It’s real or maybe, how am I to know what’s gone!

 

Wanna Run in...!

One day, I just wanna run away
A place unseen and far across the distance
Where I can scream and shriek
A world never imagined, that never existed
Not a fantasy, but a wild jungle may be
Filled with water, sitar stringing the trees
With flutes blown and harmonicas hanging
Or a sea where walking is necessary, and the only means
No one around, nothing to look out for
It’s just me, or not even that!

I know it exists, but I can’t imagine
I wanna get there sooner or later
I know I’ll be cleansed or may be, I don’t care
I want no real outcome, no achievement
I just want to pass through, experience and be back
Not to remember anything, nor for a memento
I see it coming, every day, every moment, with each new phase
I just wanna run, run deep in it and stay for awhile
A life that I wanna live, such as this!

Or maybe, none of it is true. Nothing like that is gonna happen
And that makes it more desirable, like my crave for the grave
It’s all wild and a lot beyond a nightmare
Then, why would I seek?
There’s no real reason, ain't more than all that could ever be explained
It couldn’t be said, none would come to read, nor comprehend
I know there it lies, somewhere and I wanna run deep in it
I can’t be stopped, why should I ever be?

Dot

WANDERERS - XXIII

Next morning the wanderer set himself on the route to meet the young man’s mother. He had not walked towards the interiors of the town until then. It never impressed him. But now he had a job in hand, to meet the young man’s mother and tell her that it’s not a sin to marry into another religion. The wanderer hoped he would convince her and there be no need for the sanyasin to interfere in this matter.

 

A small, nearly broken unclean house led him to the old woman. It looked dark from outside even on a hot sunny day. The door had no possible lock, nor could it be knocked at. The wanderer noticed her sitting in a corner, weeping. He called out for the young man, but the woman was deeply into herself for long before she got onto her feet. Without asking the wanderer who he was, she tried to close the door. He spoke softly and pleaded to get in. For a long time the woman ignored the wanderer who was seated on the same floor. Looking around the ceilings and the walls he noticed a photo frame hung with a garland on it. He must be her husband, the wanderer thought.

 

‘You people come to console but I have to suffer the pain nevertheless. Why don’t you leave us alone?’ the woman asked, enraged. The wanderer couldn’t make sense of her words for long before he understood why she wept.

 

It wasn't easy for the wanderer to be telling a stranger, a woman who's just lost her husband that she might as well lose her son. He heard her say whatever comforted her and silence prevailed for long. He knew it would eventually work in his favor. The old woman had already started looking in his eye with some hope and the anxiety had started to seem like belief.

 

'Your son wants to marry a girl from the tomb hall. She's the caretaker's youngest and most beautiful daughter. She cooks well and is caring.'

 

'You don't know anything', the woman spoke 'these people are cruel. They don't hesitate to kill anyone who goes against their staunch beliefs. Neither I nor my son will be spared. Let the caring girl care for her own life. I can sacrifice my life for my son but I can't see his life sacrificed' she said and turned away.

 

The wanderer doubted his own convincing abilities and chose to remain silent rather than aggravating the problem. He waited for her son to return until the evening, while the old woman gave him some stale food from last night. Before leaving he heard himself say to the woman, 'If you may please, do visit the cave temple early in the morning for all your worries would be dissolved.' The woman had not nodded, but he knew the outcome. Almost!

 

 

Continues... 

It's Karma, It's Meant to be...

Why did you come into my life?
And when you did, why did you have to vanish?
When I ask, you tell me it’s karma
It’s meant to be
And I keep asking…
 
I did not wait for you before
I always knew I would be part of you
And when I’m part of you, why should I still wait for you?
You say it’s karma and it’s meant to be…
 
I know nothing about destiny or fortune or karma
I believe no luck, no fate
We’re away and that I hate
That we have to be the way we are is what you say we have to be
And I nod. So, we be...
 
It was way better when I had not known you
That way I would’ve never missed you, never bothered
But now, I’m scattered and ruptured
Why is it, why was it, who does it?
 
I stare in your eyes, they emerge and fill my skies
I can see all of myself, I enter and I swim and flow down
As tears I run down and slide on your cheeks
I kiss those lips, paint myself red
I fall from the skies deep into some hell
And then it’s all over like a beautiful dream
And once again I ask why!
You fill the dark deep skies again that night
And whisper to me that it’s karma and meant to be

I hear some lullaby and lay
In my dreams you come and say
We’re near, aren’t we?

 

That Love...!

I’m writing this after thinking a lot about what I can and possibly can’t do. After what has transpired in the last few days, my life has become a living hell and I've been more furious than ever before, feeling helpless at the same time. I couldn't stop anything that happened and I can’t stop anything that’s going to happen. All I can do is stop being with you. Well, that’s the only way out, my love!

There’s no need for me to confess how much I love you and you know that more than I do. Is it enough for us to be the man and wife? My family will never agree. They called you a prostitute, they cursed your family. When you walk into my house 100 eyes are burning, 50 fingers are raised. How will they ever let us be happy even if we run away from them? I can leave them, but I can’t leave them. I can leave you, I still can love you. That’s what I have thought for now.

I don’t want to give them a chance, nor do I want them to feel satisfied by merely making our lives a living hell. Let their lives be dull and boring by seeing us separate. Let them have no say against our love. Let them enjoy our forefathers’ property and have spoilt kids that would never know love!

So what if you’re forced to marry someone because I've left? Will you ever be able to love him? The answer I know, is no. I won’t marry anyone and I’ll love you forever. They all get married, make children and die without loving. They live with each other for the whole life knowing nothing about love. But I’ll love you and you’ll do so too, even if you get married to someone else. Your husband wouldn't know you won’t love him because he belongs to these people to whom we don’t belong. We live in a different world.

A world that we have been living since our childhood! How good it was when I was in London away from you for all those 10 years. Remembering your voice would make me smile, thinking about our times would keep me alive. I would sit under the trees in the nights and cry desperately to get a little glimpse of the girl I loved so much. I would imagine everything about you, how much you might’ve grown, how big your bosoms would've become. Would they turn pink thinking about me just like my blood would rush making all my veins stronger?  A teenager would've become a woman, who’d wear that long sari and arouse me when I see her, seduce me to make love to her. For her, I’ll live and for her love, I could die.

I came running to see you after 10 years and they were waiting to stop us, separate us all over again. But let them know that our love can’t be taken and it’ll only grow with time even if we are separated. Didn't you love me more when I was away? You read my letters every minute while you were in my every breath I ever took. So what if we don’t get married ever? Our souls were always married. I've made love to you in my mind innumerably, unconditionally and passionately. I've seen and traversed within you always, and still do.

But now, I can’t see any other way out. We can’t wait until they all die and be greeted in hell.

You’ll want my commitment, and there’s no point in making you wait forever. So I’m writing this to you to say I love you always for this life and your love will make me live, die and be born again! I don’t want to marry you and give you more pain. They won’t let us be happy for a moment and our love won’t last for a day. Let them be disillusioned about their victory, only we know that our love has won.

I have no bad habits today, I don’t know about tomorrow. I know nothing about the next minute. I may go back to London, or die on the streets of Calcutta. I may not write to you again. I wouldn't know if you’ll be married and eventually relocated. I know you’ll understand and you won’t be surprised. You know me more than I know myself.  What else can I say? We’re just not destined, unlike our love.

-Yours, Deva!

PS: This could well be what Devdas might have written to Paro…

The Day I Arrived…!

That day I was in total peace and contentment. I had just had everything in my life and felt this is it! There was no need or desire anymore, like I had got it all. There were no problems and everything was perfect. There were many such similar moments before in my life when I felt satisfied and happy but there was always an urge to crave for more or at least to live on, but this was second to none. I did not desire to live on, I had lived my life. I looked at everyone peacefully and napped.

After I got up, I was walking into a different place. It was something I had never imagined or seen before or heard of. It all looked bright and glorious. I saw no one and I walked alone. I didn't know where my family was, but I was moving, evolving and transforming. I thought I was with them back at my place, but then how could I be here at the same time, I wondered! I had left the body that had hosted me for decades.

Whatever my people thought of me, I couldn't imagine. I saw nothing, yet was walking. May be they know now that I’m in serenity or maybe they don’t. They need to be told, but I can’t remember their faces. Slowly, I can’t remember anything. All I see is a divine light that’s directing me somewhere and I keep walking. I don’t know for how many days or months. There’s no time or schedules in this journey. The paths seem beautiful, soft and comfortable. Like rose without thorn, like calm without storm!

The light starts piercing and I start hearing sounds. I'm breathing heavily, twice or thrice than before. I dance to the tunes and I feel some jerks. But the light has not disappeared. It doesn't bother me because I’m happy. I’m protected and safe, unlike any other place. I’m sleeping without realizing and I’m awake without intending. Then I open my eyes to the strongest light!

I’m crying heavily, I’m clearing my throat. I’m in pain until my mother holds me in her hands and kisses me gently. She’s crying too, out of joy seeing me for the first time. I’m still screaming until she caresses me and feeds me exactly what and how much I need. Then I smile at her and close my eyes and nap.

I only find peace and contentment, nothing else. I sleep well.

I’ll wake up once again in 2 hours for my next feed. I've arrived!

PS: I’ll nap once again in peace and wake up once again crying. I’ll always be, like the Sun, the moon and million other stars. I've arrived and I've no end…

My Sweetie Little...!

My little sweet, sweetie little
Across the ocean, I live in brittle
Do I live more or just brittle?
I’m not sure, sweetie little...

I miss you, and that I can’t say
I wanna see you, you turn away
You don’t even know me
But I’m always there, wherever you stay!

There’s gonna be some void for now
I’ll make it in the end somehow
I’m gonna come to you
And I beg, my sweetie little
Hold my hand and walk a little

I’ll wait until you turn and say
Papa, don’t go away
I’ll say no to that angel
And I’ll come to you, my sweetie little…

Awarded...!

I've not been particularly happy, no matter what I got. It’s been a tough life, after all that’s been happening to me in the last 10 years, or may be 15. I've lost count of my failures and can’t even recollect when I tasted success last! My career did not work, I got separated from my family and started living alone. I even quit my job and took no responsibility of my folks. But there was always one aim and one goal and just one dream.

I was all by myself and I was just waiting for this day. When the day eventually arrived, I became clueless. I had always wanted to be a writer from childhood. I wrote on the back of my bus tickets. I would write in the middle of the class, not caring a bit on what was being taught. When I walked alone, I imagined stories and while I got drunk in a party I kept quiet because my mind would come up with brilliantly creative stories. Those that ranged from horror to terror, romantic to spiritual. But my mind was always telling me stories. I had to write them all.

And when I was all on my own, it all stopped. Like life had completely stopped moving. The stories became terrible. Even when I started off with something, I would stop believing in it and ridicule my own idea the next day. I stopped progressing. I stopped believing in my life. I was suffering!

I slept whole day at some random coffee shop, a temple or some park. In the nights I would be awake staring at the sky and connecting stars. I stopped alcohol, only because I was not earning. I would starve for days, eat a bread or banana and drink free water that I begged from strangers. There was a point when I had to beg for bread.

It was raining and I had no energy to walk anywhere. A decent man in his late 40s looked at me beneath his umbrella and thought I was going to die. ‘If you please, give me some bread’ I asked. My ego had died, I had no self-respect anymore. It was my hunger that was talking. I should be earning my own food, what have I done to myself, I cried!

It was after that incident may be that my mind started collecting ideas once again. Stories kept coming and I scribbled in my diary. My first full-fledged novel was complete in less than a month!

I did some odd jobs and was desperate to get my story published. But none came forward. I had no contacts, none to seek for. I published it freely on my blog and elsewhere. People were ready to publish on their sites for free but not for money. I agreed nevertheless, I was curious to see the page hits. It was growing and word was spreading. A few nominations were in the waiting.

And today, I’m declared the winner of ASRUMW award. Don’t know who they are, but I've made it. My only dream of writing and getting recognized has eventually come true. I have to quickly call my family and tell them about this. I don’t know what exactly I’ll tell them, though.

It’s been 10 years since I last spoke to anyone!