At Peace

I'm at peace today. I've found some happiness that was missing since long. I'd crossed castles and hurdles beyond. And I didn't know it was all for a thing that's this good. This peace that was shattered and spread into pieces is reappearing. It's brought some serenity and tranquility. I hear such words and more within.

You Just Passed By...!

We would stand by the gate and wait
That you would come home
And get us something to eat
Either a puff or pastry or some little sweet
But then it would rain
And we open up an umbrella, still stand there
In a while we forget that umbrella and run to collect some ice
I throw mud at her and she would scream
We beat each other and get beneath the umbrella once again, all wet
We shiver but still wait
Knowing you would come we stand there until its dark
Far across, an image would appear
We hope it was you until it would disappear
The one who just walked past wasn’t you
But we didn’t care, coz we always knew
You would come by, holding that little thing for us to eat
And then you did. You got something no matter what
We cheered and fought
I beat her again but we ate all of that
Next evening, it would all just repeat
Until this, when we know you wouldn’t come
We ask nothing but pray you would come
But you know, you wouldn’t
We know we shouldn’t wait
But then an image appears, not far, somewhere very near
Probably somewhere deep within
And it would never disappear
This wait would never be over
And I wipe her tears
She would wipe mine
We don’t play anymore in the rain
We don’t feel hungry for that pastry
But one thing remains
Wherever we are, we wait
What if you just passed by...!

Water Dance...!

In another part of the world, on another evening, the water was glowing. 

Above it was blue & gray, crimson & fair. 

The water danced to the tune of whispering winds. 

It meant December, an year was about to end, before another would begin. 

It didn't matter to the water much if anything ended or begun. 

It had to flow nevertheless, always! 

It had its own repulsions, displayed various emotions, or just a reflection. 

But always remained in sync with the wind, emulated an air. 

To some it would appear as an arrogance that would destroy anything while the others thought of it as the only source of living. 

The grace & shine remained like before, didn't matter which month or the year it was. 

The music changed, wind went mute. 

Christmas beats replaced the evening above. 

Dark night aroused water further & more. 

The dance was a thing to look out for. 

Colors changed, so did the music. 

Reflection was only for the naked eyes. 

The dance had to continue & the water obeyed. 

While the water dances on, Life moves On!

I Cry...!

I would look at you from far across and cry

Cry at my helplessness, for not being with you

For not being able to get myself up to you

To you, I belong and I’m not even anywhere near you

Near you is where I want to be, not in heaven

Heaven I’ll castoff if you aren’t there

There’s no place that I ever want to be without you

Without you I’m empty, I cease, I don’t exist

I exist for a reason that I had found once

Once what I had found, I’ve lost

Lost I am without you and then I cry

I cry looking at you from far across, cry to be with you!

I want back...!

I want back those days, those times
Carefree & such moments that were real
They did exist like none could believe
With ease they left and dissolved
Like never coming back
I miss them today and beg them to get back
And then they come back in the name of these moments
They appear today and say they would become those moments tomorrow
And know that I'll ask them to be back once again like I do today
Those moments & these,

Those were there like these are now
They come & just go
I miss them and it's going to be
Like it always has been...

The Other Love...3

It was a big bungalow and the security had been informed about my arrival. I was lead to the entrance of the big teak door that was left open. I stood there at the entrance inhaling the aroma and looked at innumerous candles that were lit in the drawing room. They were the only source of light for the night that was going to be…

Slowly I paced like my feet were my paws entering a jungle in the night. The big drawing room had various paintings indicating true taste for art of those who owned the house. It must be her, I thought. There was a big swing that swayed to the light cool breeze in the centre of the hall, quite unusual for a modern day construction. The fragrance kept changing every few minutes and kept calling. It was long since I was in, yet she was not around. But she had kept me busy exploring the beautiful place of hers before she eventually showed up.

In a grey silky gown that covered a pair of hot lingerie, she was climbing down the stairs slowly. She walked up to me and untied the gown, blowing slight wind in my ears which she quickly bit like a wild cat. She took my hand into hers and walked me over to the swing hovering over me. I slowly laid down on the lingering swing and let her realize her fantasy. Then the swing never stopped, swaying back and forth, left and right in quick succession. It was tugging and juggling to the thrust of a divine pleasure. A woman in vengeance, in a fantasy of her own had conquered. It was into the climax when we heard a voice at the entrance of the door that was intentionally left open.

But the climax will have its way and can never be stopped. She let a big sigh of relief covering all of me as she looked up at the man in a fake surprise. The swing had stopped but was still occupied.

‘Honey, I thought your flight was arriving tomorrow. Get yourself some dinner. I’ll be back in a while.’

She looked at the man who walked in dejection, like a captivated soldier, like a preyed beast. She let him go off her sight and looked at me in satisfaction and kissed me all over with more passion.

And the swing started swaying all over again. It was its second chance as the woman’s wish was fulfilled. She was no more a victim, she had conquered her deceiver, her fantasy, her lust and her love. The other love that got her reinstated!

The Other Love...2

In the next few days, I found myself stuck in a guilt feeling first for obliging her and then for rejecting her. I had done the damage and also rectified it. But there was a bigger damage within me after I walked off and the thoughts never ceased from then. I didn't know her name or her whereabouts. It wasn't right to think about a married woman, but I knew that she needed help. The whole week went by at the Kopitiam until another night.

It was her, once again on one of the tables. I looked at her and walked up to the table and sat down. She showed no anger or dejection. I asked her for a coffee and she nodded. I looked at her sadly, sympathizing with her desperation. From my face she could read that I wanted to help her, but I was helpless.

‘Don’t look at me like that. I don’t need that’ she said.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone. I’m worried about you ever since’

‘Why do you have to? I don’t need any sympathy. I don’t need you either. I need your body and I need it once. Only once...’

‘How is it going to solve your problem? It will only worsen your situation. And then, my conscience won’t permit me either’

‘What conscience? Helping someone who’s in desperate need isn't wrong. You can help a beggar, a handicapped and a disowned child, but not a woman who wants to save herself?’

‘If sleeping with me can save you, and that’s your conclusion, you really need help. And I’m not a doctor’

‘Do you even know how it feels to be a victim of infidelity? All the trust and faith is lost forever. When a person whom you love so much is just acting, it’s the same act in the name of love leaving no difference between a slut and a spouse? I might as well become one and sleep with a stranger. That way I don’t feel like a victim anymore’

‘Such act of vengeance doesn't solve anything. If you want to save your marriage, this is no solution. By committing the same mistake, you’re being no different.’

‘No, you’re wrong. He went to a slut, I didn't. He has paid for his pleasure and I won’t. I’m fulfilling my fantasy of being with the man I had dreamt of. I had all that held back just for him. I no more would do that. And I won’t cheat him the way he did to me. I won’t hide anything.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I want you at my place exactly when he’s home. I want to see his face and I want to remember that expression of being trashed before I leave him forever.’

‘So, you've decided that you’re going to separate’

‘I’m not a fool not to. And I want no more relationships after this. I don’t want to see myself in any kind of compromise anymore. My honor is more important to me and I don’t accept being victimized.’

‘You obviously haven’t thought what you’re doing. You’re on high. Talk to a friend or someone close to you.’

‘I don’t want to. I’ll not hear anyone’s suggestions or sympathy. I would rather sleep with a stranger who knows nothing about me and put an end to all this.’

‘And, what about me?’

’Feel good about yourself for having helped a woman restore her own self. I've fallen badly and you’re just helping me stand up. I've always grown up fantasizing a man like you, to be loved and swayed, to be satisfied and fulfilled. I know you can do that to me like no one can. I want you inside… just for once.’

She stopped after that and I had no more questions. I didn't know what I was getting into. I could be ruining someone’s marriage that otherwise could have been restored. But by walking away like before, I won’t be able to change anything either. ‘If this is some kind of a help, so be it’ I told myself. The next day, I waited to see the night. And that was the longest day of my life…

Continues...

The Other Love...1

‘Kopitiam’, the food court was about to close down and there were more cleaners at that hour than customers. Those who had slogged and had a long day at work occupied few tables for late dinner. I was back from my routine workout and looked all sweaty as I caught hold of a seat on an empty table waiting for my food to be served. The old cleaning lady smiled and asked how my day was before she got busy wrapping up.

After a quick cool down from a heavy workout, having burnt more calories than usual, I was still breathing heavily rubbing my wet forehead and arms as I stood up against the breezing fan letting some strong air enter beneath my shorts allowing my wet chests to dry. Not quite realizing I was out of the gym, I was still checking out my improved biceps and hard chests, counting my belly packs between six & eight!

By then the food had arrived and I sat down with a sigh of relief just when my wandering eyes fell on a table somewhere diagonally across mine behind one of the pillars. It was occupied by a couple apparently done with the food, sipping some drinks. It was her sight that caught mine. She was probably looking at me when I looked at her before quickly turning away. I thought it must be a random stare of opposite sexes. I only thought, for it wasn't…

My food had me engaged and then our eyes met again. This time I turned away saving myself from the embarrassment of staring at a woman seated right next to her man. But thought she was still looking around my table. She was seated facing me while the man sat next to her facing the other end of the food court. That only meant it was easy for her to look around where I sat. So she wasn't staring, but just looking I told myself. I got busy hogging my food and the woman appeared to be walking to me. She stopped at the pillar right beside my table where a wash basin was stuck and she was washing her hands longer than usual. This time she looked straight at me and I too did, neither of us shying away. I let a gentle smile out, and she didn't smile back but let a loud breathe of air that I could almost hear. I looked down and back at her once again. With raised eyebrows and pout lips she appeared to breathe harder with suggestion. She heard her man calling as she quickly wiped her forehead and her lips with some water. And she looked all wet, her eyeballs rolling harder out of desperation. She went back to her table and sat down, but never stopped looking and our eyes never got detached.

In the next few minutes I was done and I went to the same wash basin, washed my hands, my back facing her. I did not turn to look back, instead approached their table with all the courage. I stood right next to the couple and smiled. The man looked at me puzzled and I saw the woman who for the first time wasn't looking.

‘Hello, I was wondering if we have met before!’ I said.

‘I don’t remember seeing you. What do you think honey?’ he asked her.

‘Yes, he just reminds me of my brother’ she said.

‘You don’t have a brother’ the man grumbled.

‘Oh! I meant a cousin brother’ she stuttered.

She knew she was caught and I had caught her. She looked back once again before they left. I found the whole incident strange and I too left with mixed emotions.

Two days later, around same time, I was looking for a table just when I saw the same woman. She was seated alone on one of the tables and signaled me to join. I approached her and smiled at her. She smiled and offered me to sit.

‘You have a great body’ she complimented.

‘Thank you. Isn't your husband with you here?’

‘He must be busy with his own stuffs. You’re a man and you know it, men just get bored quick enough and they have so much more options outside.’

‘Oh! Ok... Well, I’m not sure I got that’ I tried to hide what I heard.

‘What can a woman do knowing that her man is cheating? Tell me, will you sleep with me?’

‘Huh! I’m sorry but, I don’t think I heard you… you’re a woman who’s married… to that man… I mean another man’

‘And yet, you were staring at me lustfully last night…!’

‘No, I wasn't. I was thinking… if we had known… each other, by the way you looked at me.’

‘Liar… You all are the same’

‘I’m sorry for what has happened with you. I suggest you sort it out between yourselves’

‘Don’t say no. I need you and your body. It’s just one time, only for once...’

‘I’m sorry mam.’ And I got up walking. She came back to me and held me from behind and kissed me passionately. I couldn't stop. I held her cheeks and let myself go at her. And then I quickly composed myself, threw myself away from her and walked without ever looking back.

I felt empathy for the woman more than anything else. Weather she was right or not, I didn't know. May be she was wrong, she should have spoken to her husband and got in terms with him, an eye for an eye isn't always the answer. But then, I thought maybe she was right. Love happens once and only lasts until it’s lost. Lust is just another feeling that might appear and disappear beyond one’s control and leaves us beyond repair. And then, I started thinking about myself. What had I done?

Continues...

Ram Leela (Reviewed)

 

Right from the very first frame that opens with a beautiful folk song in the background till the very last etched out frame (that ends with the best track of the album) Bhansali's Ram Leela is a riot of colours-high on drama and a passionately crafted love-hate epic. You're reminded of HDDCS, Devdas & even Saawariya to some extent for obvious reasons. Over the years, Bhansali has created his unique identity, emerging as the master of this genre and none has matched him since. For instance, consider this 'Aankhon Ki Gustakhiya' sequence reappearing in many movies, yet none coming any closer until ‘Lahu muh lag gaya’. The fresh chemistry sparkles much beyond Diwali!

If the movie is predictable, has endless songs (that’s 7 to be fair), melodrama & an unreal/imaginary world, you're indeed watching a Bhansali movie and shouldn't be complaining unless you've never heard of him before. Despite these known and predictable glitches, Ram Leela works. What else can you expect in a Romeo-Juliet adaptation? It ought to be a boy meets girl-falls in love-separation-followed by endless tragedy. Ram Leela is no different in its plot. What works here isn't any extraordinary story, but the treatment from the most passionate filmmaker of our times. He makes it with so much love & passion that it’s hard to ignore the apparent effort that's put in here. From carefully designed sets, detailed colours, witty dialogues, to those epic-balcony scenes and larger than life portrayal of both evil and good, love and lust among many. And that’s a welcoming change to Bhansali’s style. He doesn’t shy away from long since tabooed lip locks anymore and lust appears graceful for the first time.

Needless to say, he extracts best performances from all his actors and each might walk away with an award (like those of his previous movies). Ram Leela comes close enough but just falls short of his magnum opus Devdas in its intensity. But then, that’s the closest we’ve ever had.
From the times when we had well distinguished art and commercial cinema, Bhansali has been making commercially appealing art cinema and excels once again with Ram Leela.

This year, festivities seem to get extended celebrations. Just go n watch this treat & celebrate love n lust aka, Goliyon Ki Rasleela Ram Leela.

I write...!

I'm not a poet, I'm not an author.
I'm not a scholar nor philosopher.
Today I'm going to write a new story.
I do not want to be disturbed, I'm sorry.
I should have always been writing, while I did everything & almost anything but that one thing. 
Not even an attempt I made, not a foot forward I put.
No matter how much, how far my imagination spread or took.
I beg to be spared for what I've done.
It's a mistake waiting to be undone. 
And so I write & no more fret.
Until I'm barred by everything albeit I write.
This story of a struggling writer, l write.

Happy Birthday, my darling!

Happy Birthday, my darling…
It’s this day of the year that we were waiting
The day you were born, I held you in my palm
You looked straight, cried for your mom
You posed for my album and I prided with joy
Didn’t realize how a month went by


Many had come to see you, and you were friendly
From one hand to another, you went freely
Into your second month, we saw a new year
Festivities brought more joy and cheer

In your 3rd month you were named
It was also the first time you had smiled
Slowly, and steadily you turned and crawled
You spoke some language, I thought you’d called
In no time you stood on your own and walked
Month after another passed

And today, it’s one year
Your smiles have wiped all tears
Much joy you’ve brought, more than what I ever thought
You just barged into my world
And, you’ve become my world
On this special day, I’ve got you something…
My best wishes and blessing
Happy Birthday, my darling!
 

Music of Ram Leela...!

 

I’ll begin by referring back to my own review of Mr. Bhansali’s first full-fledged solo composition in the name of Guzaarish. I left a post script requesting for SLB of ‘Hum Dil…’ to be back. Looks like he read it and took it seriously (pun intended) and now he’s back for good, in the form of ‘Ram Leela’. Voila!

The album sounds and feels heavily inspired by Mr. Bhansali’s HDDCS. It’s the Gujrati plot in both cases that's obvious. But, Ram Leela does not stop there. It gets inspired by pretty much all of SLB’s works so far including Saawariya, Guzaarish and Devdas. Having said that, it comes on its own and stands out as another masterpiece (like all its predecessors). If you thought it’s a copy, well no. It’s what we call a pattern!

SLB choses his favourite Shail Hada (who debuted with Saawariya) for couple of songs and calls back his prodigy Shreya Ghoshal, replacing Sunidhi (from Guzaarish) to sing 2 other solo. And he even (re)introduces the melody king of 90’s Udit Narayan’s son, Aditya Narayan who rocks 2 of the peppy numbers. Then there’s singer of the year, Arijit Singh who pours soul into ‘Laal Ishq’. What a year he’s had with Aashiqui 2, Yeh Jawaani…, Chennai Express and now Ram Leela. We even get to hear Bhoomi Trivedi (of the Indian Idol fame) on the raunchy title track which is a chartbuster ever since it was aired. Aditi Paul sings a soft flowing melody and joins Osman Mir on a gujrati folk. When was the last time we heard a folk song in mainstream Bollywood!

Everything works here - the melody, the singers, the lyrics and just enough (nothing over the top) beats. And most importantly, the soul!

SLB maintains his style that he discovered since Saawariya (his first composition) and the album as a whole feels fresh despite its references. It’s a melody that will stay for long and join the list of timeless classics.

P.S. 20 years from now, play Saawariya and Ram Leela along with Mera Saaya. Chances are they would sound like coming from the same times. Timeless… Truly!

Like...!

Like the flowing river, like falling snow
Like descending clouds, like trailing rainbow
Like Sun’s glorious golden rays
Like moon’s dark elegant crown
Like an island on the sea shore
Like an eye yearning for more

Like a bride awaiting - ‘I do’
Like a child calling for food
Like an unknown world
Like an endless boon
Like all of that in entirety isn’t anything like you

Galaxy Note3 here...!

Posting from galaxy note 3 for the first time. And it's just lovely. It's a delight.

 

The hand writing recognition tool does a stunning job. There are other features to talk about but I'm more excited about s-Pen than anything else. The accuracy is quite high for now & I hope it remains so. One's hand writing can't be too consistent all the time & since you're writing on a glossy surface in a small window, giving it a perfect 10 is not even an expectation. Having said that, I'm still enjoying my writing here almost laughing at my own writing & awed by the way it's converted in no time.

 

Coming back to the device, it's unbelievably fast specially when you've loaded it with a ton of apps letting it to multitask & it charms, even shocks in most cases. So far, the firsthand feel is just great & I'll update this post when I find anything that's not yet said by the professional reviewers whom I've read so much in the last month.

 

Those who've not bought it yet & still undecided please go ahead. Chances are you won't regret. And for those with iPhones well you're missing out something here, except that you still have a better camera!

 

P.S. This post was hand-written by S-Pen.

Those Fists...!!!

Take me, and all that’s me
My hand you may hold and fold like your own
Rub your cheek across mine
Breathe your air inside me and I become you

Clench those fists and roll
Slowly bite thy lips, make it glow
Then I caress from the tip of mine
And comfort with a gentle kiss that’s untouched
And like a frame we’re paused
Looking into eyes, not moving, standing like we stood

And those fists get tight, rub and fight
One hand on your back like yours on my shoulder
I bite again, and you breathe harder
I press my heart against yours and count
There’s no clock on the wall that would tick
No birds in the sky that would chirp
Or breeze that would buzz
There’s a vacuum around and nothing else’s heard
Like a thin ice around us, that’s carved
And then you breathe into, and welcome me
And then I enter…
Into a glorious world, that’s you
I stay and remain, I swim and dive again
Those fists are pierced and nailed, in pain
I’m glued and awed, all in no time
In a flash I open my eyes again and see myself in you
Like you did too

The ice melts at the heat of rolling fists
The birds and breeze are let in
So is your smile followed by mine
And you now own me
And that’s just divine
I’ll see you tomorrow, may those fists be fine
 

WANDERERS - XXIX

The wanderer walked back that evening on the interiors of the town crossing jungles that stood connected to the entrance of the cave-temple. The little boy had once mentioned, ‘there are unknown number of caves in this town and each is connected to the other. But don’t ever venture alone. We once did, I along with 3 other boys. Only 3 of us returned’

In the midst of the jungle he saw an opening that seemed like a crawl into the cave. As he went close, he saw the trailing end of a snake that was creeping in. For a second, the snake hissed back long enough and opened its full hood. It might have almost tangled the wanderer if there wasn’t that inch of a distance between them. He held on and ran into the fastest exist he could locate out of the jungle while the reptile had slithered.

It didn’t take him long from there to reach the cave-temple. He sprinkled some water on himself at the entrance and climbed on the roof. The evening Sun was setting against an image that stood on the rock leaning on crossed trees. He smiled and walked towards her.

She looked at him and timidly sat down on the rock. It was the first time he saw her look shy. He sat down on one of the rocks beside hers.

‘Such a beautiful evening after a disappointing day’, he announced. She nodded as if she knew why his day wasn’t encouraging.

The Sun was falling slowly, yet quickly and left the whole sky ahead of them in crimson red. Their faces reflected bright red like they were painted, and they enjoyed looking at each other. For a while they exchanged glances and said nothing.

‘You may expect the young man’s mother tomorrow’ he broke the silence.

She looked indifferent.

‘Do you think you can solve this?’ he probed. ‘What is the most difficult situation you’ve had to handle?’ he continued among many other questions.

‘Let’s not worry about that. Let’s talk about you’ said the sanyasin after a long pause.

‘You don’t say anything about you, but you want to know everything about me’

‘Shouldn’t you be happy about that? Is it not what one wants? To be listened to? How often do people listen to anyone’s feelings or emotions? Everyone wants to talk about himself, unless you pay for it like in your city for a doctor, lawyer or a psychiatrist. Who would care to listen?’

‘Do you know, this is the longest set of questions I’ve heard from you so far?’

‘I’m listening…’

‘You know about me. I come from a city, far from here, nothing like this place, people who’re aliens yet all the same. We are modern, you’re traditional. We’re broad-minded, you’re not. There are many such extremes, yet I’ve come to realize they’re all just the same. They seem different but aren’t so.

Anyways, like I said, I come from a society of so called sophisticated people and I’ve always lived an ambitious life, dreamt of achieving great heights and succeeded to a large extent, more than one could feel proud of. But I was this split person. One half wanted to have everything, while the other half wanted to give away everything. I wanted to help the needy, the real ones. I wanted no sorrows to exist. I left everything I had for this journey that I took on months ago, 2 and a half years precisely. And I’m wandering ever since.’ he finished.

‘I know every bit of this about you having seen so much of you in the last few weeks. You said nothing I didn’t already know of you’

‘What else can I say? There are no secrets…’ he looked at her, ‘…unfortunately.’

She saw him and their eyes met like never before. There were no inhibitions, nothing to hide or pretend. They were two strangers who knew each other and trusted each other with a strong unknown belief. They might walk their own ways very next day. And their being together was most uncertain like they were destined to meet for only a cause that wasn’t for either’s benefit. They exchanged few more glances and were looking at the sky that had lost all its blood. Day had died and night was being born.

‘Yes, I was in a relationship with a woman I loved the most. We were happy, and we lived for years together without apprehension or compulsion. All we gave each other was love. There was respect, trust, compatibility, everything that’s much beyond any relationship would ever need to be alive and flourish. It was too perfect, and…’

She looked without questioning. And that meant he should go on, and so he did.

‘There’s a saying. A man always walks away from what he has for something he doesn’t. And we walked our own ways deliberately, with forced reasoning. We created unwanted checklist and justified it, convinced each other that we should separate not knowing for how long. I don’t know if I’ll meet her tomorrow or might never meet her again. We shall get back to each other only when we can’t be alive anymore. When we can live on our own, why should we live together? You may find it ridiculous, but that’s how it is.’

‘No, I’m listening. I know what you mean’

‘When we both feel the need of becoming one again, we shall and we will, but not for a reason. Relationships are selfish. Each needs the other or just one needs the other. We too had needs, and we loved each other like any other couple. We had each other’s presence that had become absolute necessity. But it can’t be so, it shouldn’t be. When we find a selfless way, we shall find each other. We won’t even make an attempt. It would happen or it won’t.’ He finished though he was still composing his words to explain. But when he looked at her, it didn’t seem necessary.

It had become completely dark around and the lake had turned mute unlike its rushing waves that provided some background cinematic chords while he was speaking. Some nocturnal creatures pierced their ears as silence prevailed between them.

‘Desires and needs always exist. They make us selfish’ she said slowly almost to herself.

‘Would a woman your age not have desires?’ he paused. It was a generic question but she knew it wasn't meant to be and it was for her.

‘Yes, but before I would desire for anything…’ she quickly stood up and suggested they should get back for dinner. He got involved in his own thoughts and never found it right to ask her any further or make her uncomfortable. They walked back on the dark trail.

Next morning the old woman stood at the cave knowing nothing about her fate that was waiting to change or the sanyasin who sat meditating deep inside.

Continues…

How Am I...?

Oh! It’s not gonna go, it’s here to stay
That moment and the series that followed
Like a chilling storm that lasts for a second
Or a volcano that erupts in a flash
It’s gonna haunt me any moment
As long as I’m alive, or cease to exist…

 
I had to give my shoulders to the one that I had climbed once
A film played in my mind, devastated it made
I held that cold hand for long and cried
How am I to say, I’m happy to be on your last journey!
I walked to the grave to leave him alone
How am I to come back forever?
And say that I’m never gonna look back and bid goodbye
I had to see what I dared not ever
That moment when it ended, all was over
The form had changed and I held in my hand
A handful of ashes and I had to withstand
I limped with heavy heart and let it flow down the river
A life that had always made me clever
How am I to comprehend what it was all?
It doesn’t go and ought not to
It’ll stay and come again anytime to remind
That there’s no more a hand that once strived for my food
Or the sweat that never cared, for it had a reason
Or the blood that would bleed to make sure I lived
While it’s not here anymore, it comes back in forms unknown
Makes me shiver and blown
I had to go on and continue, take it all alone
It’s real or maybe, how am I to know what’s gone!

 

Wanna Run in...!

One day, I just wanna run away
A place unseen and far across the distance
Where I can scream and shriek
A world never imagined, that never existed
Not a fantasy, but a wild jungle may be
Filled with water, sitar stringing the trees
With flutes blown and harmonicas hanging
Or a sea where walking is necessary, and the only means
No one around, nothing to look out for
It’s just me, or not even that!

I know it exists, but I can’t imagine
I wanna get there sooner or later
I know I’ll be cleansed or may be, I don’t care
I want no real outcome, no achievement
I just want to pass through, experience and be back
Not to remember anything, nor for a memento
I see it coming, every day, every moment, with each new phase
I just wanna run, run deep in it and stay for awhile
A life that I wanna live, such as this!

Or maybe, none of it is true. Nothing like that is gonna happen
And that makes it more desirable, like my crave for the grave
It’s all wild and a lot beyond a nightmare
Then, why would I seek?
There’s no real reason, ain't more than all that could ever be explained
It couldn’t be said, none would come to read, nor comprehend
I know there it lies, somewhere and I wanna run deep in it
I can’t be stopped, why should I ever be?

Dot

WANDERERS - XXIII

Next morning the wanderer set himself on the route to meet the young man’s mother. He had not walked towards the interiors of the town until then. It never impressed him. But now he had a job in hand, to meet the young man’s mother and tell her that it’s not a sin to marry into another religion. The wanderer hoped he would convince her and there be no need for the sanyasin to interfere in this matter.

 

A small, nearly broken unclean house led him to the old woman. It looked dark from outside even on a hot sunny day. The door had no possible lock, nor could it be knocked at. The wanderer noticed her sitting in a corner, weeping. He called out for the young man, but the woman was deeply into herself for long before she got onto her feet. Without asking the wanderer who he was, she tried to close the door. He spoke softly and pleaded to get in. For a long time the woman ignored the wanderer who was seated on the same floor. Looking around the ceilings and the walls he noticed a photo frame hung with a garland on it. He must be her husband, the wanderer thought.

 

‘You people come to console but I have to suffer the pain nevertheless. Why don’t you leave us alone?’ the woman asked, enraged. The wanderer couldn’t make sense of her words for long before he understood why she wept.

 

It wasn't easy for the wanderer to be telling a stranger, a woman who's just lost her husband that she might as well lose her son. He heard her say whatever comforted her and silence prevailed for long. He knew it would eventually work in his favor. The old woman had already started looking in his eye with some hope and the anxiety had started to seem like belief.

 

'Your son wants to marry a girl from the tomb hall. She's the caretaker's youngest and most beautiful daughter. She cooks well and is caring.'

 

'You don't know anything', the woman spoke 'these people are cruel. They don't hesitate to kill anyone who goes against their staunch beliefs. Neither I nor my son will be spared. Let the caring girl care for her own life. I can sacrifice my life for my son but I can't see his life sacrificed' she said and turned away.

 

The wanderer doubted his own convincing abilities and chose to remain silent rather than aggravating the problem. He waited for her son to return until the evening, while the old woman gave him some stale food from last night. Before leaving he heard himself say to the woman, 'If you may please, do visit the cave temple early in the morning for all your worries would be dissolved.' The woman had not nodded, but he knew the outcome. Almost!

 

 

Continues... 

It's Karma, It's Meant to be...

Why did you come into my life?
And when you did, why did you have to vanish?
When I ask, you tell me it’s karma
It’s meant to be
And I keep asking…
 
I did not wait for you before
I always knew I would be part of you
And when I’m part of you, why should I still wait for you?
You say it’s karma and it’s meant to be…
 
I know nothing about destiny or fortune or karma
I believe no luck, no fate
We’re away and that I hate
That we have to be the way we are is what you say we have to be
And I nod. So, we be...
 
It was way better when I had not known you
That way I would’ve never missed you, never bothered
But now, I’m scattered and ruptured
Why is it, why was it, who does it?
 
I stare in your eyes, they emerge and fill my skies
I can see all of myself, I enter and I swim and flow down
As tears I run down and slide on your cheeks
I kiss those lips, paint myself red
I fall from the skies deep into some hell
And then it’s all over like a beautiful dream
And once again I ask why!
You fill the dark deep skies again that night
And whisper to me that it’s karma and meant to be

I hear some lullaby and lay
In my dreams you come and say
We’re near, aren’t we?

 

That Love...!

I’m writing this after thinking a lot about what I can and possibly can’t do. After what has transpired in the last few days, my life has become a living hell and I've been more furious than ever before, feeling helpless at the same time. I couldn't stop anything that happened and I can’t stop anything that’s going to happen. All I can do is stop being with you. Well, that’s the only way out, my love!

There’s no need for me to confess how much I love you and you know that more than I do. Is it enough for us to be the man and wife? My family will never agree. They called you a prostitute, they cursed your family. When you walk into my house 100 eyes are burning, 50 fingers are raised. How will they ever let us be happy even if we run away from them? I can leave them, but I can’t leave them. I can leave you, I still can love you. That’s what I have thought for now.

I don’t want to give them a chance, nor do I want them to feel satisfied by merely making our lives a living hell. Let their lives be dull and boring by seeing us separate. Let them have no say against our love. Let them enjoy our forefathers’ property and have spoilt kids that would never know love!

So what if you’re forced to marry someone because I've left? Will you ever be able to love him? The answer I know, is no. I won’t marry anyone and I’ll love you forever. They all get married, make children and die without loving. They live with each other for the whole life knowing nothing about love. But I’ll love you and you’ll do so too, even if you get married to someone else. Your husband wouldn't know you won’t love him because he belongs to these people to whom we don’t belong. We live in a different world.

A world that we have been living since our childhood! How good it was when I was in London away from you for all those 10 years. Remembering your voice would make me smile, thinking about our times would keep me alive. I would sit under the trees in the nights and cry desperately to get a little glimpse of the girl I loved so much. I would imagine everything about you, how much you might’ve grown, how big your bosoms would've become. Would they turn pink thinking about me just like my blood would rush making all my veins stronger?  A teenager would've become a woman, who’d wear that long sari and arouse me when I see her, seduce me to make love to her. For her, I’ll live and for her love, I could die.

I came running to see you after 10 years and they were waiting to stop us, separate us all over again. But let them know that our love can’t be taken and it’ll only grow with time even if we are separated. Didn't you love me more when I was away? You read my letters every minute while you were in my every breath I ever took. So what if we don’t get married ever? Our souls were always married. I've made love to you in my mind innumerably, unconditionally and passionately. I've seen and traversed within you always, and still do.

But now, I can’t see any other way out. We can’t wait until they all die and be greeted in hell.

You’ll want my commitment, and there’s no point in making you wait forever. So I’m writing this to you to say I love you always for this life and your love will make me live, die and be born again! I don’t want to marry you and give you more pain. They won’t let us be happy for a moment and our love won’t last for a day. Let them be disillusioned about their victory, only we know that our love has won.

I have no bad habits today, I don’t know about tomorrow. I know nothing about the next minute. I may go back to London, or die on the streets of Calcutta. I may not write to you again. I wouldn't know if you’ll be married and eventually relocated. I know you’ll understand and you won’t be surprised. You know me more than I know myself.  What else can I say? We’re just not destined, unlike our love.

-Yours, Deva!

PS: This could well be what Devdas might have written to Paro…

The Day I Arrived…!

That day I was in total peace and contentment. I had just had everything in my life and felt this is it! There was no need or desire anymore, like I had got it all. There were no problems and everything was perfect. There were many such similar moments before in my life when I felt satisfied and happy but there was always an urge to crave for more or at least to live on, but this was second to none. I did not desire to live on, I had lived my life. I looked at everyone peacefully and napped.

After I got up, I was walking into a different place. It was something I had never imagined or seen before or heard of. It all looked bright and glorious. I saw no one and I walked alone. I didn't know where my family was, but I was moving, evolving and transforming. I thought I was with them back at my place, but then how could I be here at the same time, I wondered! I had left the body that had hosted me for decades.

Whatever my people thought of me, I couldn't imagine. I saw nothing, yet was walking. May be they know now that I’m in serenity or maybe they don’t. They need to be told, but I can’t remember their faces. Slowly, I can’t remember anything. All I see is a divine light that’s directing me somewhere and I keep walking. I don’t know for how many days or months. There’s no time or schedules in this journey. The paths seem beautiful, soft and comfortable. Like rose without thorn, like calm without storm!

The light starts piercing and I start hearing sounds. I'm breathing heavily, twice or thrice than before. I dance to the tunes and I feel some jerks. But the light has not disappeared. It doesn't bother me because I’m happy. I’m protected and safe, unlike any other place. I’m sleeping without realizing and I’m awake without intending. Then I open my eyes to the strongest light!

I’m crying heavily, I’m clearing my throat. I’m in pain until my mother holds me in her hands and kisses me gently. She’s crying too, out of joy seeing me for the first time. I’m still screaming until she caresses me and feeds me exactly what and how much I need. Then I smile at her and close my eyes and nap.

I only find peace and contentment, nothing else. I sleep well.

I’ll wake up once again in 2 hours for my next feed. I've arrived!

PS: I’ll nap once again in peace and wake up once again crying. I’ll always be, like the Sun, the moon and million other stars. I've arrived and I've no end…

My Sweetie Little...!

My little sweet, sweetie little
Across the ocean, I live in brittle
Do I live more or just brittle?
I’m not sure, sweetie little...

I miss you, and that I can’t say
I wanna see you, you turn away
You don’t even know me
But I’m always there, wherever you stay!

There’s gonna be some void for now
I’ll make it in the end somehow
I’m gonna come to you
And I beg, my sweetie little
Hold my hand and walk a little

I’ll wait until you turn and say
Papa, don’t go away
I’ll say no to that angel
And I’ll come to you, my sweetie little…

Awarded...!

I've not been particularly happy, no matter what I got. It’s been a tough life, after all that’s been happening to me in the last 10 years, or may be 15. I've lost count of my failures and can’t even recollect when I tasted success last! My career did not work, I got separated from my family and started living alone. I even quit my job and took no responsibility of my folks. But there was always one aim and one goal and just one dream.

I was all by myself and I was just waiting for this day. When the day eventually arrived, I became clueless. I had always wanted to be a writer from childhood. I wrote on the back of my bus tickets. I would write in the middle of the class, not caring a bit on what was being taught. When I walked alone, I imagined stories and while I got drunk in a party I kept quiet because my mind would come up with brilliantly creative stories. Those that ranged from horror to terror, romantic to spiritual. But my mind was always telling me stories. I had to write them all.

And when I was all on my own, it all stopped. Like life had completely stopped moving. The stories became terrible. Even when I started off with something, I would stop believing in it and ridicule my own idea the next day. I stopped progressing. I stopped believing in my life. I was suffering!

I slept whole day at some random coffee shop, a temple or some park. In the nights I would be awake staring at the sky and connecting stars. I stopped alcohol, only because I was not earning. I would starve for days, eat a bread or banana and drink free water that I begged from strangers. There was a point when I had to beg for bread.

It was raining and I had no energy to walk anywhere. A decent man in his late 40s looked at me beneath his umbrella and thought I was going to die. ‘If you please, give me some bread’ I asked. My ego had died, I had no self-respect anymore. It was my hunger that was talking. I should be earning my own food, what have I done to myself, I cried!

It was after that incident may be that my mind started collecting ideas once again. Stories kept coming and I scribbled in my diary. My first full-fledged novel was complete in less than a month!

I did some odd jobs and was desperate to get my story published. But none came forward. I had no contacts, none to seek for. I published it freely on my blog and elsewhere. People were ready to publish on their sites for free but not for money. I agreed nevertheless, I was curious to see the page hits. It was growing and word was spreading. A few nominations were in the waiting.

And today, I’m declared the winner of ASRUMW award. Don’t know who they are, but I've made it. My only dream of writing and getting recognized has eventually come true. I have to quickly call my family and tell them about this. I don’t know what exactly I’ll tell them, though.

It’s been 10 years since I last spoke to anyone!