That Love...!

I’m writing this after thinking a lot about what I can and possibly can’t do. After what has transpired in the last few days, my life has become a living hell and I've been more furious than ever before, feeling helpless at the same time. I couldn't stop anything that happened and I can’t stop anything that’s going to happen. All I can do is stop being with you. Well, that’s the only way out, my love!

There’s no need for me to confess how much I love you and you know that more than I do. Is it enough for us to be the man and wife? My family will never agree. They called you a prostitute, they cursed your family. When you walk into my house 100 eyes are burning, 50 fingers are raised. How will they ever let us be happy even if we run away from them? I can leave them, but I can’t leave them. I can leave you, I still can love you. That’s what I have thought for now.

I don’t want to give them a chance, nor do I want them to feel satisfied by merely making our lives a living hell. Let their lives be dull and boring by seeing us separate. Let them have no say against our love. Let them enjoy our forefathers’ property and have spoilt kids that would never know love!

So what if you’re forced to marry someone because I've left? Will you ever be able to love him? The answer I know, is no. I won’t marry anyone and I’ll love you forever. They all get married, make children and die without loving. They live with each other for the whole life knowing nothing about love. But I’ll love you and you’ll do so too, even if you get married to someone else. Your husband wouldn't know you won’t love him because he belongs to these people to whom we don’t belong. We live in a different world.

A world that we have been living since our childhood! How good it was when I was in London away from you for all those 10 years. Remembering your voice would make me smile, thinking about our times would keep me alive. I would sit under the trees in the nights and cry desperately to get a little glimpse of the girl I loved so much. I would imagine everything about you, how much you might’ve grown, how big your bosoms would've become. Would they turn pink thinking about me just like my blood would rush making all my veins stronger?  A teenager would've become a woman, who’d wear that long sari and arouse me when I see her, seduce me to make love to her. For her, I’ll live and for her love, I could die.

I came running to see you after 10 years and they were waiting to stop us, separate us all over again. But let them know that our love can’t be taken and it’ll only grow with time even if we are separated. Didn't you love me more when I was away? You read my letters every minute while you were in my every breath I ever took. So what if we don’t get married ever? Our souls were always married. I've made love to you in my mind innumerably, unconditionally and passionately. I've seen and traversed within you always, and still do.

But now, I can’t see any other way out. We can’t wait until they all die and be greeted in hell.

You’ll want my commitment, and there’s no point in making you wait forever. So I’m writing this to you to say I love you always for this life and your love will make me live, die and be born again! I don’t want to marry you and give you more pain. They won’t let us be happy for a moment and our love won’t last for a day. Let them be disillusioned about their victory, only we know that our love has won.

I have no bad habits today, I don’t know about tomorrow. I know nothing about the next minute. I may go back to London, or die on the streets of Calcutta. I may not write to you again. I wouldn't know if you’ll be married and eventually relocated. I know you’ll understand and you won’t be surprised. You know me more than I know myself.  What else can I say? We’re just not destined, unlike our love.

-Yours, Deva!

PS: This could well be what Devdas might have written to Paro…