In the next few days, I found myself
stuck in a guilt feeling first for obliging her and then for rejecting her. I had
done the damage and also rectified it. But there was a bigger damage within me
after I walked off and the thoughts never ceased from then. I didn't know her
name or her whereabouts. It wasn't right to think about a married woman, but I knew that she needed help. The whole week went by at the Kopitiam until
another night.
It was her, once again on one of the
tables. I looked at her and walked up to the table and sat down. She showed no
anger or dejection. I asked her for a coffee and she nodded. I looked at her
sadly, sympathizing with her desperation. From my face she could read that I wanted
to help her, but I was helpless.
‘Don’t
look at me like that. I don’t need that’ she said.
‘I’m
sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone. I’m worried about you ever since’
‘Why
do you have to? I don’t need any sympathy. I don’t need you either. I need your
body and I need it once. Only once...’
‘How
is it going to solve your problem? It will only worsen your situation. And
then, my conscience won’t permit me either’
‘What
conscience? Helping someone who’s in desperate need isn't wrong. You can help a
beggar, a handicapped and a disowned child, but not a woman who wants to save
herself?’
‘If
sleeping with me can save you, and that’s your conclusion, you really need
help. And I’m not a doctor’
‘Do
you even know how it feels to be a victim of infidelity? All the trust and
faith is lost forever. When a person whom you love so much is just acting, it’s
the same act in the name of love leaving no difference between a slut and a
spouse? I might as well become one and sleep with a stranger. That way I don’t feel
like a victim anymore’
‘Such act of vengeance doesn't solve anything. If you want to save your marriage,
this is no solution. By committing the same mistake, you’re being no different.’
‘No,
you’re wrong. He went to a slut, I didn't. He has paid for his pleasure and I won’t.
I’m fulfilling my fantasy of being with the man I had dreamt of. I had all that
held back just for him. I no more would do that. And I won’t cheat him the way
he did to me. I won’t hide anything.’
‘What
do you mean?’
‘I
want you at my place exactly when he’s home. I want to see his face and I want
to remember that expression of being trashed before I leave him forever.’
‘So,
you've decided that you’re going to separate’
‘I’m
not a fool not to. And I want no more relationships after this. I don’t want to
see myself in any kind of compromise anymore. My honor is more important to me
and I don’t accept being victimized.’
‘You
obviously haven’t thought what you’re doing. You’re on high. Talk to a friend
or someone close to you.’
‘I
don’t want to. I’ll not hear anyone’s suggestions or sympathy. I would rather sleep with a stranger who knows nothing about me and put an end to all this.’
‘And,
what about me?’
’Feel
good about yourself for having helped a woman restore her own self. I've fallen
badly and you’re just helping me stand up. I've always grown up fantasizing a
man like you, to be loved and swayed, to be satisfied and fulfilled. I know you
can do that to me like no one can. I want you inside… just for once.’
She stopped after that and I had no
more questions. I didn't know what I was getting into. I could be ruining
someone’s marriage that otherwise could have been restored. But by walking away
like before, I won’t be able to change anything either. ‘If this is some kind
of a help, so be it’ I told myself. The next day, I waited to see the night. And
that was the longest day of my life…
Continues...
No comments:
Post a Comment