Sin...!

Those steps up on the spiral staircase, metallic, old and rusted stood between my door on the 1^st floor and the compound wall on the ground. As I walked up with anxiety, I could see the neighbors come out of their windows and doors to the banging sound of the staircase that let me climb. I rushed towards the locked door and trembled for the keys somewhere in my pockets. I inserted a few wrong ones before getting the knob open to the right one. I banged opened the door that flocked back and forth to the pace while hitting me hard in the process. I couldn’t get more as I stood there at the entrance glancing at the room for a probable last time!

I had to collect those very important things, only minimal ones that would fit in a small bag. I had to rush to my home town that was well over 700 kilometers away from this small town where I lived. I had to tell someone about what had happened as it had happened. But no one would ever understand, nor approve. I would rather keep it to myself and run away from everyone, I had decided. Let them speculate on my back about my running. Given my reputation, I knew they would all think that I can never commit a sin, nor stoop to such a level that I actually had!

As I further rushed to pack, I was apprehensive about being found by a friend or a neighbor. The farewell party was about to end and everyone would come looking for the missing ones – 2 of us. Me and my best friend, who is no more!

He had disappeared when I went looking for him. I looked at every nook and corner of the small town, in his room, at the eateries before I found his letter in my own bag that was addressed just to me.

‘I’m leaving, forever. You’ve got what you wanted. My life is ruined. I have no reason to live anymore’ it read.

I folded the paper with trembling hands and rubbed my forehead off the sweat as I rushed towards my room to run away from the town forever. I embraced my bag and ran towards the bus stop as I heard my name being called. I didn’t want to turn but it was my 2^nd best friend.

‘Did you see him? They found his body. Wait, why are you running away like this? Don’t you want to see him for one last time?’ he asked and looked suspicious. He read my face and knew what had happened. ‘Is it you?’ he questioned and I couldn’t have answered. It wasn’t me. I was not myself. I was a sinner. ‘Shame on you, and shame on me, that I was once your friend.’ He spit on me and walked off.

I got in the bus and looked at the dark night outside. As the bus moved, many memories of 4 years of my college days came alive. The day I met that wonderful person, how we became friends instantly, how we helped each other and lived like brothers that would never separate. Those shops where we ate, those roads where we roamed during nights sometimes waiting for the semester results next day and those holidays when we said goodbye! He had said his final goodbye. And I was the reason behind. I needed the job desperately. My family needed money, they had exhausted all resources and borrowed from everyone they had ever known. I had to clear the debts and there was no time. People would come home every day and shout and threaten my family. I was told they were put behind bars and released next day. Complaints were lodged for cheating. It was shameful and disrespectful but they lived with the hope that I would come back with a job in hand – some job that would pay for some interest if not the principal.

I was determined and told myself I need to be hired by this company, the only company that was on campus in the small town. No one knew about my background, I was an introvert, spoke less, made very few friends and was almost always hooked to my books. I scored top rank, but wasn’t anyone’s favorite. It was him. If there was one thing that could ever become a hurdle, it was him. He could’ve snatched the job under my nose easily. He was my best friend, he might have given up had I asked or even if he had known. But I chose something else.

He was sensitive, intelligent, smart and charming. He cared for his self-respect more than anything else. ‘I live for my honor and die for my honor’ he would say. The whole college was his friends. Girls admired him for his heroic looks, teachers liked his candor. He always ranked 2^nd or 3^rd and no one really knew I was the topper. I was being overshadowed, but it didn’t matter to me all the while. I had one motto, of becoming the top scorer and an obvious choice if there was ever a campus selection. When the day eventually came, I was threatened. He could’ve overtaken me with a few marks. I couldn’t have afforded that.

It was the last paper next day - One and only chance of scoring. The campus interview was over. Unless one of us failed, the other couldn’t have made it. And there was no way either of us would fail in the last and also the most interesting subject. I had other choices, but only one stood out. I bent to the lowest level a friendship can ever reach. I rolled his handwritten piece of paper in my pocket as we both headed to the exam hall. ‘All the best, I know you’ll top once again’ he said.

Sitting behind him, I was praying to god to stop me from doing what I had planned. It’s either him or me who shall be caught of cheating and eventually rusticated. I held on to the paper for long before an external invigilator entered. I quickly placed the piece of paper under his desk. It was apparent and the supervisor asked if it belonged to him. He looked at the paper that he had lent me previous night and looked back at me in horror. I saw his eyes and looked away. He was taken out and debarred for 2 years. No amount of goodwill helped.

It was against his honor and I was worried for him. Later during the day, at the farewell party I couldn’t find him. I had no strength to face him. I had not imagined it would affect him so badly that would compel him to end his life. All I was left with was his letter, addressed to me. Everyone thought he cheated all through the years and committed suicide on being caught. Who would’ve known he was murdered!?

Sitting in the bus, I told myself that I was going back with a job and salary. I was not happy, I was guilty. I had not succeeded, I had lost a friend. I had become a sinner, a murderer, a deceiver. I was going to free my family from debts and restore their honor. I had strained someone’s honor to the greatest extent possible. I had remained the topper. I had become a man with lowest esteem. For the world, I was a winner. Was that all that mattered?

PS: Sometimes we commit sin, and attach reasons to it. The society and our inabilities may be responsible for our situations, ONLY WE ARE responsible for our actions. And no one else can be blamed for what we do.

PPS: This is taken from 'Sneha', the stage show during my college days. Credits: G.R.